Walmart Conspiracy

How do I manage to spend so much money at Wal-Mart? Those "always low prices" ALWAYS make me buy more than I intended.

Where else can you buy a sports bra, Yo Gabba Gabba dvd, and milk all in the same place? And I almost bought a plant. I don't need a plant, but I saw it at the entrance advertised for only $7, and suddenly I wanted a plant. The only thing that stopped me from getting it was that I wouldn't be able to explain to my husband that I went to Wal-Mart for cupcake mix and came back with a potted plant.

So what did I end up with after passing up the shrubbery at the entrance? Seven items around $12 or less, and none of them cupcake mix.

The Discrimination of Guinness

For years now I have been planning on claiming a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for most elbow licks in 1 minute. I figured it would be a fairly simple gain since licking your elbow is supposed to be impossible (although I do know one person other than me who can do it as well). So I logged onto the website to find out how. I was imagining simple fame. I decided, even if I never go back to school and graduate with multiple degrees in law and medicine my family can still be proud of me. I might never cure cancer, but I could set a world record.

I went through all the trouble of filling out my information (wondered if the site was legit as there were many words misspelled, then realized Guinness is based in London and figured they must spell more words than "colour" different) and verified my email address to register with the site.

The next step was to a page asking "is it a record?" where I would decide that my proposed record was based on the fact that I "possess a unique talent or are the only person to be able to do something." Upon clicking that link, I was brought to this:

All our world records are based on a quantifiable element, such as speed, length, monetary value, etc. However, uniqueness is not something that can be quantified and for this reason having a unique talent is not in itself a record. However, if your talent is interesting or exciting and can be easily quantified in some way, we may consider it for recognition in a new world record category.

Similarly, the fact that you are the only person to do something, or to have done something, is not a record in itself. A record is, by definition, an achievement that can be exceeded or broken. However, if you are the only person who is able to do something it is impossible for someone else to challenge (i.e. break) your achievement.

Examples of proposals we do not accept:
Elbow licking
Staring at the sun
Double jointed fingers

Wouldn't that be the case? So now I will never cure cancer, and I will never set a world record recognized by Guinness for most elbow licks. I'm a big fat failure.