If we ever make it home forever

I have greatly appreciated my time away from "the Lope"- but Sacramento is still home. Always has been, always will be. I have dreams of travel to even further off countries- but I do want to settle down soon. And so much more so when I think of all the fresh produce I could be buying in California.

On the journey to perfect mothering in this day and age, I am bombarded with news articles, blogs, and emails mostly pertaining to one of my favorite subjects: Food! I have one email address solely devoted to "junk" mail containing recipes and food articles. Specifically the healthy stuff. The horror stories of how our food is raised, salmonella outbreaks and other contaminants are enough to push any mother to go organic. And it's precisely what I wish I could do.

The commissary is not my favorite place to get food, but it is the most convenient (especially considering the fact that we live in a foreign country). It takes so much work to go anywhere else. If I were home I would be able to read labels and know exactly what I was purchasing at the farmer's market. I would find someone raising chickens locally and purchase my eggs from them (or live in Elverta and have my own coop). I would have a vegetable garden and grow my own perfect big red tomatoes and delicious cucumbers. I am fed up with purchasing produce that rots the next day.

I used to not really care about the whole better food movement. I thought the moms who bought only organic were pretentious and self-righteous. And then I really started to pay attention to the food I was buying, and the money we wasted every week tossing vegetables. It seems it would be more worth a few trips to different local markets to make sure our bodies are getting the best.

So if we ever make it home forever...if we can buy our house and settle down, I want to start my vegetable garden knowing that we won't have to uproot along with the carrots. I want to find out "what's new at Denio's Farmers Market and Auction..." and I've always wanted to shop Whole Foods, Fresh & Easy, and Trader Joe's. I don't even know if Trader Joes specializes in natural foods, but it's a trip I'm willing to take.

Anything beats this crud from the commissary.

(I do love the military life though)

I just needed to write

I'm not exactly sure where I want to go with the post, so I'll just keep writing and see where it takes me:

Today felt strange. I found out Blake Webb passed away. Now, I don't even remember Blake and I ever conversing, but we did sit at the same lunch table on a number of occasions and hung with the same crowd. In fact, we participated in the same conversations. Just never directly to each other. I remember going to Hunan with him and the football team one time. I remember thinking he and Justin Summit looked alike, with the blond hair and ruddy cheeks. And I remember facebook "stalking" him from time to time (really, I would just click on his page as I made the rounds through my friends), and thinking "hmm..I should really add him as a friend and say hi"...And just hours before I found out, I had a dream about everyone from high school, and he was in it. He played a small roll in the dream, all he did was walk by. But he was there. And now he isn't.

It's sad that it takes moments like this, a classmate, a friend, leaving for everyone to come together. Because I know all across my facebook status updates, everyone was feeling the same thing. Shock first, then sadness. The memories, however small or long ago, are there. And now everyone talks about how much they appreciate and loved him. I need to remind myself to appreciate, love, and thank everyone while they are still around. I need to remember to say hi before the chance is gone.

On another note, I am severely homesick. I just need to be back. I love it here in Japan. I'm having a lot of fun, experiencing a completely different culture, and enjoying it immensely. But it just feels like we need to be home. Brian is thinking about doing green to gold, and I pray it happens for us. He's in Australia right now, and I am incredibly lonely so I am sure that has something to do with it. I have a lot of friends out here already, but it's just not the same yet. I know it will take time. This is the first duty station we've been to where I didn't have a girlfriend or wife of one of my husband's current friends to become friends with, so it feels like there is more pressure to have people like me because no one is obligated to lol.

hmm...what else?

I'm pretty certain of the career path I want to choose. Of course, I have said that before. I think us going home will help me out a lot though. Good babysitters, real schools, I might actually get more done. Oh, speaking of getting more done, Coralyn said I should post this picture to let everyone know I finished my class:

I rearranged the living room, put up curtains, and cleaned because I suddenly have all the time in the world. I'm hoping I fill more of that time with hobbies, and not so much of it on Facebook!

You know, life can be sad and confusing. But even when I am feeling down, I just feel so completely blessed. All my faith is in God. I have no doubt that He is making a way to do great things through me. Even in my darkest hour, I will be filled with joy.

Home, Sweet Home...Wherever That may Be

We have moved from Hawaii to Japan, and are now spending time back home in lovely California. And for quite a bit of time we were without internet which would explain my lack of blogs. Now I am just having too much fun here so you will have to wait for more elaborate updates. But some highlights of this trip so far have been:

-SanFran/Alcatraz trip with the Petersons
-Eating at Togo's, BJ's, Red Robin, In n Out, more to come...
-Togo's reunion
-Christmas with all sides of the family
-Christmas light viewing in Rocklin with Bella and her cousins
-Kings vs Nuggets (Kings won. Awesome.)

We are still deciding on what to do for New Years (downtown Sac or SanFran maybe?), and have decided to scratch our Disneyland trip. Brian thinks it's too cold so instead we'll be doing Disneyland in Tokyo at some point.

Speaking of Tokyo, Japan is awesome so far. We have already made a few friends and our house is great! We left Japan only a month after getting there and right as soon as our household goods were delivered. So we have a lot of unpacking and organizing to do. I love being home but we've been in limbo for a long time, and I am close to ready to get back to real life.

Baby Blues

I'm in a bit of a funk again, although this time I'm pretty sure I am just homesick and it is not postpartum related. Memories keep popping up so strong that I want to destroy them so I'm no longer mourning for them. I want to rip up every mental picture. Delete every sound bite. Because for some reason I don't know how to celebrate these memories for what they were. I can only grieve because the moments are gone.

And it isn't like they haven't been replaced with even better moments. Bella yelling "mom!" and running to me with outstretched arms, then hugging me so tight I have trouble breathing. But I won't pull away because I love her hugs. "I love hugs too, mom. Mom, I love hugs too." Leo falling asleep on my belly, tiny hiccups startle me every few seconds. He doesn't speak yet, but his eyes tell me so much. And Brian's kisses and I love you's. His excitement over a good zombie movie and our babies.

But I am angry. Mad at myself for never being real. Never being comfortable with who I was. Not being honest with anyone else. Because I could have had it all at that time, and then I would never think back to what could have been. And then maybe I would be perfectly content with now. Maybe friendships would be stronger and there would be more stories to tell.

I've always had trouble living in the moment. I'm always looking too far forward or so far behind. But I can't help but ask myself "am I missing out?" Am I? I never partied. But did I ever want to? Do I want to now? Do I like having an excuse to stay home on a Friday night? Is that why I have buried myself so deep into the family life? What is it that I am always running from or chasing after? Why can't I just appreciate it all for what it is when it is? Am I the only one asking these questions?

Right now what it is is great. Happy little family traveling the world together. Everything I ever wanted and more. It just all came so fast. So yes, I am missing out on something. But it was never something I fit into before, so it shouldn't even matter. Yet somehow it does.

I am so terribly homesick. I miss you all.