Baby Blues

I'm in a bit of a funk again, although this time I'm pretty sure I am just homesick and it is not postpartum related. Memories keep popping up so strong that I want to destroy them so I'm no longer mourning for them. I want to rip up every mental picture. Delete every sound bite. Because for some reason I don't know how to celebrate these memories for what they were. I can only grieve because the moments are gone.

And it isn't like they haven't been replaced with even better moments. Bella yelling "mom!" and running to me with outstretched arms, then hugging me so tight I have trouble breathing. But I won't pull away because I love her hugs. "I love hugs too, mom. Mom, I love hugs too." Leo falling asleep on my belly, tiny hiccups startle me every few seconds. He doesn't speak yet, but his eyes tell me so much. And Brian's kisses and I love you's. His excitement over a good zombie movie and our babies.

But I am angry. Mad at myself for never being real. Never being comfortable with who I was. Not being honest with anyone else. Because I could have had it all at that time, and then I would never think back to what could have been. And then maybe I would be perfectly content with now. Maybe friendships would be stronger and there would be more stories to tell.

I've always had trouble living in the moment. I'm always looking too far forward or so far behind. But I can't help but ask myself "am I missing out?" Am I? I never partied. But did I ever want to? Do I want to now? Do I like having an excuse to stay home on a Friday night? Is that why I have buried myself so deep into the family life? What is it that I am always running from or chasing after? Why can't I just appreciate it all for what it is when it is? Am I the only one asking these questions?

Right now what it is is great. Happy little family traveling the world together. Everything I ever wanted and more. It just all came so fast. So yes, I am missing out on something. But it was never something I fit into before, so it shouldn't even matter. Yet somehow it does.

I am so terribly homesick. I miss you all.

The "King" is born

Look, mommy a leeeeeeaf!

I will be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and baby still hasn't showed up. So Brian is starting the paperwork for us to extend here a month longer. I am slightly relieved. I hadn't really let myself think about how difficult it would be to have to pack up right after giving birth, but I'm sure another month will be helpful. And I'll get just a little more time with all of my friends here. I'm going to miss them. Good news is we will be home for Thanksgiving, and I am really looking forward to that. I'm contemplating finally getting that tattoo when we are there.

Brian and I went to Alan Wong's for dinner the other night. Our last night out alone together before we are parents of two. Surprisingly at 9 months pregnant I still fit in my favorite little black dress, so I wore that. But I stuck to flats instead of heels this time so as to avoid another Jessica Simpson shoe fiasco like I had on our date when I was 9 months pregnant with Bella and ate the concrete, and slipped down the stairs (twice).

We had a $100 gift certificate and it was just enough to cover everything. The dessert was amazing. We got the apple banana bread pudding, and there were these little peanut butter chocolate filled balls of yum (I don't know how else to describe them). Total flavorgasm.

After dinner we went to pick up Bella at Cynthia's house and ended up staying for a while. Everyone was drinking and playing with the "I am T-Pain" app on Brian's phone. If you missed the video on myspace of Bella singing with it, here is a taste of what that app can do:



Bella and I had a dentist appointment at 8am yesterday. The first time she went they brushed her teeth with a regular toothbrush, but this time they used the special motorized one and she flipped out. She wouldn't even let the hygienist rinse her mouth, and was even more scared of the air thing than she ever was of bugs. She kept covering her face saying "I'm scared!" I still can't believe she is old enough to tell me when something frightens her. I came here pregnant with her and we are leaving here after having her baby brother. Time has gone by so fast.

One of these days I will never again be able to say "I need to start taking more pictures." I bring my camera everywhere, but hardly ever actually think to take it out and use it. Case in point: camping trip last weekend. Me, Brian, Bella, Gabe, Justin, Scott and the "Ginger" all went to Bellows. But I have no photographic documentation of the peanut butter cup s'mores, everyone playing UNO (which I won twice!), PT in the ocean, and the sandcastles and faces I made before Bella nefariously stomped on them while laughing at me. That girl.

Our plan was to stay for the whole weekend, but after being eaten alive by mosquitoes, Bella throwing a fit at bed time, and getting no sleep in our sweltering tent, that changed to just overnight. There wasn't much else for us to do after slap-catch anyway.

I do, however, have pictures from my baby shower. Cynthia threw probably the most awesomely nontraditional baby shower ever. She rented out club 4play (yes, my baby shower was at a night club called 4play LOL), and a DJ and bartender.

We were dancing and having fun, and I was so happy that there were no "guess the baby food" and "chocolate diaper" games. Everyone I know is pregnant right now, so I'm pretty baby-shower-gamed out. The funny thing was though that guys were invited to all the other "normal" showers, and the one shower that they all would have actually enjoyed was ladies only.


So now I am totally ready for King to be born. We got almost everything on our registry including the car seat and sterilizer. And with gift cards and all the doubled items that I returned we were able to get the stroller I really wanted. All of his clothes and blankets have been washed, the bassinet is ready and waiting next to our bed, and tomorrow I will be cooking and freezing enough food to last us until we leave.

I can not believe we will be off this island so soon. I'm definitely going to miss it.

He's always trying to come home

7am was when I finally got the call. It was from a number I didn't have saved in my phone, so naturally I assumed it was either the police or the coroner. What else could I have thought when my husband had gone out with his friends for a night of drinking and didn't make it home with them? While the drunks were all passed out on my couch, I was wide awake imagining life as a widow with 2 kids. But then, the call (from a payphone because his phone had died).

"Babe!" he was giggling. "I didn't come home." You don't say. "I blacked out," he's still laughing. "I was asleep in Justin's car but I don't know how I got there. The door was locked and the alarm was on." He was pretty sure he had super powers. We still don't know how he got in the car. Justin had the keys, and they had separated earlier in the night. "Can you come pick me up?" Sigh. I had told him I didn't want to have to come pick him up in the middle of the night. I guess next time I should include "or the next day after getting no sleep wondering where the heck you were."

I let him off the hook, only because I figure he only risked his secret identity and used his super powers to get into the car in an attempt to drive home to me. He's always trying to come home to me. I love him.

I truly will miss a lot about being here

My birthday week was a blast. On my actual birthday we drove down to Haleiwa. It's definitely one of my favorite spots here. The atmosphere is awesome: sort of a vintage/surfer town. We had lunch, got shaved ice at Matsumoto's, and just walked through the shops. Bella made a souvenir penny for me at Matsumoto's.


After Haleiwa, Brian and I walked around the mall for a little bit and then went to Best Buy. He got me Photoshop, so I've been playing with that a lot. It's pretty confusing so far, but I'm trying to figure it out so I can use it when I'm doing my photography thing in Japan.

The week after my birthday we did my birthday dinner at Tiki's Grill and Bar in Waikiki. I wanted a really touristy type place with this being my last birthday living in Hawaii and all. There were about 20 people there. It was awesome to be able to spend that time with so many of the people I've made friends with over these past three years. I can say I truly will miss a lot about being here.

And speaking of missing it here, we got our tentative leave date. We are scheduled to leave just a week after my due date. Depending on how everything goes with the baby, we may have to extend. Then we go home to visit for a month (and to Disneyland!!), and then we are off to our next great adventure (which I've decided to call the Sushi Chronicles).

Cookie Dough

We had sandwiches, emphasis on the sand...for lunch

The finally couple months of both this pregnancy and the end of our tour here in Hawaii have quickly snuck up on us. I have nothing ready for the baby, and I haven't even started thinking about getting our stuff ready to move yet. The weeks have been going by at a ridiculously fast pace, so my updates have been few (not that I think anyone reads this too often, but someday I'm sure I'd like to look back on this).

Jonah came out here on vacation a while back so Coralyn and I met her for dinner at Tony Roma's. I love meeting up with old high school friends.

There have been UFCs and random get-togethers spread between this entry and the last. We had a last minute 4th of July bbq at our house. I made bacon-wrapped hot dogs. We had burgers, chicken, cheesy potatoes, and Ruby's famous buffalo dip. My belly was very happy.

I got Bella a little pool so we would have more to do since Brian has been using my car. Unfortunately someone didn't want to help me out by emptying the pool so I could move it and Fluffy deflated it. It's still usable, but someone still needs to help me empty it.

Meghan and I took Chloe and Bella to the beach last week. We had sandwiches, emphasis on the sand, with homemade bread for lunch. The kids had a blast.

The other Megan has been taking Bella for sleepovers with Hailey every now and then. It has been a godsend. I went two years with not so much as one night without Bella, so getting breaks now has been wonderful. I never actually go out and do anything when she is gone, but if I ever need to it's nice to know I can.

You Suck, Ben & Jerry

I really wish I could eat that whole pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked that is sitting in my freezer, without any of the guilt. I had three bites before putting it away. At 270 calories per 1/2 cup, three bites is all I could allow myself. I left the spoon in my mouth for longer than necessary to savor the last bits of that chocolate taste before finally throwing it out. I hate watching my weight.

Now, I am 7 months pregnant and should be able to enjoy that whole "eating for two" excuse. Or even the "ice cream counts as dairy" excuse. But having gained 60lbs the first time around, I really can't allow myself the joy of just not giving a damn. Even with exercise almost every day, and making sure I am eating healthy more often than not, I am already at 20lbs gained with the recommended average being 25-35lbs. I had hoped to be in the lower end of that bracket. But with the ice cream taunting me in it's frozen oasis, and...oh those Oreos, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up going over.

Being knocked up sucks. The end.