Farmville

Home, Sweet Home...Wherever That may Be

We have moved from Hawaii to Japan, and are now spending time back home in lovely California. And for quite a bit of time we were without internet which would explain my lack of blogs. Now I am just having too much fun here so you will have to wait for more elaborate updates. But some highlights of this trip so far have been:

-SanFran/Alcatraz trip with the Petersons
-Eating at Togo's, BJ's, Red Robin, In n Out, more to come...
-Togo's reunion
-Christmas with all sides of the family
-Christmas light viewing in Rocklin with Bella and her cousins
-Kings vs Nuggets (Kings won. Awesome.)

We are still deciding on what to do for New Years (downtown Sac or SanFran maybe?), and have decided to scratch our Disneyland trip. Brian thinks it's too cold so instead we'll be doing Disneyland in Tokyo at some point.

Speaking of Tokyo, Japan is awesome so far. We have already made a few friends and our house is great! We left Japan only a month after getting there and right as soon as our household goods were delivered. So we have a lot of unpacking and organizing to do. I love being home but we've been in limbo for a long time, and I am close to ready to get back to real life.

"Aloha" Also Means Goodbye

They are taking our things now. The TV stand I put together myself. The perfect couch we found on sale. The foosball table I bought Brian for his birthday or Christmas (I never know which I'm buying for. I just wrap them all up and then split them up between the days). The plasma TV he bought with Gabe because the lamp burned out on the other one in the middle of the football game.

It's bittersweet. It's time to move on, but do we have to move? I'm excited for new friends, but must I leave the old?

Next comes the cleaning. The vacuuming, window washing, toilet scrubbing and figuring out a way to get the pieces of melted leather from the back of our couch off the wall, as well as the blood splatters on the kitchen ceiling from that time I almost cut my finger off while opening a bag of brownie mix with a bread knife (I still have no feeling on the tip of my left index finger). The lawn will be mowed for the first time since we moved in.

All our memories falling away to make room for someone else's. I hope they enjoy this home as much as we have.

We are leaving Hawaii in 20 days. I am probably going to cry

The baby was born on his exact due date, just like his sister. You can read more about the birth here. Yes, his name is King Leonidas. Brian rushed the paperwork out the door before I even had a chance to protest. But I'm calling him Leo.


He is almost 3 weeks now and so perfect. He sleeps all the time, except for a few hours at night when I'm trying to sleep. But if I were smart I'd take advantage of the moments when both he and Bella are napping and get some rest myself. So I am exhausted a lot.

We are leaving Hawaii in 20 days. I am probably going to cry. I have made so many great friends here. Friends that would and have done anything for me and my family. Friends that actually are more like family. Friends that I will miss terribly. But I am so homesick right now that I can't wait to leave.

I need to be home, even if it really isn't home anymore. I need to see my family and reunite with my peeps, and hope nothing has changed even if everything is different.

beauty is in the eye of...

I thought a lot about what this pregnancy would do to my boobs, hoping the sagging wouldn't occur this time. Of course I figured I could just get them redone if it did. And while I'm at it, maybe get the rhinoplasty too. Then I can fix my slightly crooked front tooth.

And in the midst of my thoughts of imperfection, specifically while wondering if there is a way to get my ears to match, I look at Bella. I spend a lot of time just staring at her. Not in a creepy way. More like an artist examining their work. But I never see any flaws. She is my perfect masterpiece.



I think about how someday she might hate her chubby cheeks, or the little cleft in her chin. She might spot a freckle and wish it away. She might think her thighs are too big, or her lips are too thin. And I will tell her how beautiful she is, and she won't believe it (although I pray that she does).

I think about all the times my mom told me I was beautiful. "You're just saying that because you're my mom and you have to." But now I know that she meant it every time. And now I know to just accept it and believe it. Not everything needs to be changed. "You are so beautiful just the way you are."

Baby Blues

I'm in a bit of a funk again, although this time I'm pretty sure I am just homesick and it is not postpartum related. Memories keep popping up so strong that I want to destroy them so I'm no longer mourning for them. I want to rip up every mental picture. Delete every sound bite. Because for some reason I don't know how to celebrate these memories for what they were. I can only grieve because the moments are gone.

And it isn't like they haven't been replaced with even better moments. Bella yelling "mom!" and running to me with outstretched arms, then hugging me so tight I have trouble breathing. But I won't pull away because I love her hugs. "I love hugs too, mom. Mom, I love hugs too." Leo falling asleep on my belly, tiny hiccups startle me every few seconds. He doesn't speak yet, but his eyes tell me so much. And Brian's kisses and I love you's. His excitement over a good zombie movie and our babies.

But I am angry. Mad at myself for never being real. Never being comfortable with who I was. Not being honest with anyone else. Because I could have had it all at that time, and then I would never think back to what could have been. And then maybe I would be perfectly content with now. Maybe friendships would be stronger and there would be more stories to tell.

I've always had trouble living in the moment. I'm always looking too far forward or so far behind. But I can't help but ask myself "am I missing out?" Am I? I never partied. But did I ever want to? Do I want to now? Do I like having an excuse to stay home on a Friday night? Is that why I have buried myself so deep into the family life? What is it that I am always running from or chasing after? Why can't I just appreciate it all for what it is when it is? Am I the only one asking these questions?

Right now what it is is great. Happy little family traveling the world together. Everything I ever wanted and more. It just all came so fast. So yes, I am missing out on something. But it was never something I fit into before, so it shouldn't even matter. Yet somehow it does.

I am so terribly homesick. I miss you all.

The "King" is born

Look, mommy a leeeeeeaf!

I will be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and baby still hasn't showed up. So Brian is starting the paperwork for us to extend here a month longer. I am slightly relieved. I hadn't really let myself think about how difficult it would be to have to pack up right after giving birth, but I'm sure another month will be helpful. And I'll get just a little more time with all of my friends here. I'm going to miss them. Good news is we will be home for Thanksgiving, and I am really looking forward to that. I'm contemplating finally getting that tattoo when we are there.

Brian and I went to Alan Wong's for dinner the other night. Our last night out alone together before we are parents of two. Surprisingly at 9 months pregnant I still fit in my favorite little black dress, so I wore that. But I stuck to flats instead of heels this time so as to avoid another Jessica Simpson shoe fiasco like I had on our date when I was 9 months pregnant with Bella and ate the concrete, and slipped down the stairs (twice).

We had a $100 gift certificate and it was just enough to cover everything. The dessert was amazing. We got the apple banana bread pudding, and there were these little peanut butter chocolate filled balls of yum (I don't know how else to describe them). Total flavorgasm.

After dinner we went to pick up Bella at Cynthia's house and ended up staying for a while. Everyone was drinking and playing with the "I am T-Pain" app on Brian's phone. If you missed the video on myspace of Bella singing with it, here is a taste of what that app can do:



Bella and I had a dentist appointment at 8am yesterday. The first time she went they brushed her teeth with a regular toothbrush, but this time they used the special motorized one and she flipped out. She wouldn't even let the hygienist rinse her mouth, and was even more scared of the air thing than she ever was of bugs. She kept covering her face saying "I'm scared!" I still can't believe she is old enough to tell me when something frightens her. I came here pregnant with her and we are leaving here after having her baby brother. Time has gone by so fast.

One of these days I will never again be able to say "I need to start taking more pictures." I bring my camera everywhere, but hardly ever actually think to take it out and use it. Case in point: camping trip last weekend. Me, Brian, Bella, Gabe, Justin, Scott and the "Ginger" all went to Bellows. But I have no photographic documentation of the peanut butter cup s'mores, everyone playing UNO (which I won twice!), PT in the ocean, and the sandcastles and faces I made before Bella nefariously stomped on them while laughing at me. That girl.

Our plan was to stay for the whole weekend, but after being eaten alive by mosquitoes, Bella throwing a fit at bed time, and getting no sleep in our sweltering tent, that changed to just overnight. There wasn't much else for us to do after slap-catch anyway.

I do, however, have pictures from my baby shower. Cynthia threw probably the most awesomely nontraditional baby shower ever. She rented out club 4play (yes, my baby shower was at a night club called 4play LOL), and a DJ and bartender.

We were dancing and having fun, and I was so happy that there were no "guess the baby food" and "chocolate diaper" games. Everyone I know is pregnant right now, so I'm pretty baby-shower-gamed out. The funny thing was though that guys were invited to all the other "normal" showers, and the one shower that they all would have actually enjoyed was ladies only.


So now I am totally ready for King to be born. We got almost everything on our registry including the car seat and sterilizer. And with gift cards and all the doubled items that I returned we were able to get the stroller I really wanted. All of his clothes and blankets have been washed, the bassinet is ready and waiting next to our bed, and tomorrow I will be cooking and freezing enough food to last us until we leave.

I can not believe we will be off this island so soon. I'm definitely going to miss it.