Sidewalk Chalk

"Mommy, draw hopscotch!" I think Bella learned about hopscotch from watching Max & Ruby. I never really knew the right way to play. I always just hopped along, 1 foot-2 feet-1 foot-1 foot-2 feet-and back. But Bella picks up on everything. After I drew her hopscotch with the giant sidewalk chalk she got for her birthday, she asked "mommy, where's my rock?" No rock in sight, I handed her a piece of chalk that had broken off. She threw it on the hopscotch board and hopped around, giggling the whole time.

Next she wanted to draw shapes and numbers: "Mommy, draw number three. Draw a circle, mommy!" I draw everything she wants, and then ask her what number I'm pointing at, or what shape I just drew. She knows all her shapes, and most of her numbers. She is so smart. Then I ask her to draw for me. She has some trouble, and I want to help her badly- I want to just do it for her. But I always step back and just watch. I want her to learn and be able to do it on her own. I want her to be independent and never have to rely on anybody. Maybe it's a deep thought for a day of drawing with sidewalk chalk, but this is where she learns.

Leo watches us from his walker in the living room. Soon it will be the two of them out here drawing shapes and numbers while I sit and watch.



I love seeing my kids grow up. Babies are cute, but I'm not much of a fan of the first couple of months. I love when the personality begins to develop. I love when they figure things out. I love the milestones.


I fed Leo rice cereal while Bella played outside without me. She's a big girl now, and doesn't need me out there with her. She knows the boundaries and stays within them. She periodically comes in to check on me and laugh at her brother. She runs and picks the dandelions and blows the seeds away like I showed her. She picks little flowers and gives them to me as a gift "here you go mommy, pretty flower!" She plays "he loves me, he loves me not" and then sprinkles all the petals in her hair.


She swings on the trees, and runs in the grass, and gets dirt under her fingernails and doesn't care that she's a mess because it's fun. I make a mental note to myself that messy=fun, and think about rolling around in the dirt with her. But my shorts are white, so I keep watching instead.

When it's time to make lunch, she drags a chair to the kitchen counters and uses it as a step stool so she can watch everything. Learn everything.

"Mommy, what you doing? You making dinner?"

"Lunch."
"You making lunch?"
"Yep baby, I'm making lunch."
"Mommy, I do it."

She wants to do everything like me, and I so desperately want to be like her. To laugh at everything. To fall in love with everything. To be satisfied by peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and sidewalk chalk.

Make a Wish

We were standing outside in the cold waiting for Miley to do her business when I spotted a lone dandelion. I don't know why they create such a strong sense of nostalgia, but at the sight of one I am innocent once again. I remember my mom blowing them with me, and the excitement as all the feathery seeds floated away. Something possibly small and insignificant, but so very important for whatever reason.

"Bella, blow!" I showed her first, and she laughed hysterically. How wonderful to be a child. How wonderful to find the greatest joy in the smallest things in life. I'm always reminded of the scene in Knocked Up when Paul Rudd's character is brooding over the fact that he wishes he loved anything as much as his kids loved bubbles. Why do we allow ourselves to be so unhappy when we grow older?

"Mommy, make a wish?" She asks, still relating "blow" to birthdays. Knowing her birthday is soon makes it even more relevant. I go with it. "Yep baby, make a wish." And as we watch the seeds fly away with the breeze, I make a wish to make every moment a "bubble moment" so I can hold on to the elation from times like this forever.

Farmville

Home, Sweet Home...Wherever That may Be

We have moved from Hawaii to Japan, and are now spending time back home in lovely California. And for quite a bit of time we were without internet which would explain my lack of blogs. Now I am just having too much fun here so you will have to wait for more elaborate updates. But some highlights of this trip so far have been:

-SanFran/Alcatraz trip with the Petersons
-Eating at Togo's, BJ's, Red Robin, In n Out, more to come...
-Togo's reunion
-Christmas with all sides of the family
-Christmas light viewing in Rocklin with Bella and her cousins
-Kings vs Nuggets (Kings won. Awesome.)

We are still deciding on what to do for New Years (downtown Sac or SanFran maybe?), and have decided to scratch our Disneyland trip. Brian thinks it's too cold so instead we'll be doing Disneyland in Tokyo at some point.

Speaking of Tokyo, Japan is awesome so far. We have already made a few friends and our house is great! We left Japan only a month after getting there and right as soon as our household goods were delivered. So we have a lot of unpacking and organizing to do. I love being home but we've been in limbo for a long time, and I am close to ready to get back to real life.

"Aloha" Also Means Goodbye

They are taking our things now. The TV stand I put together myself. The perfect couch we found on sale. The foosball table I bought Brian for his birthday or Christmas (I never know which I'm buying for. I just wrap them all up and then split them up between the days). The plasma TV he bought with Gabe because the lamp burned out on the other one in the middle of the football game.

It's bittersweet. It's time to move on, but do we have to move? I'm excited for new friends, but must I leave the old?

Next comes the cleaning. The vacuuming, window washing, toilet scrubbing and figuring out a way to get the pieces of melted leather from the back of our couch off the wall, as well as the blood splatters on the kitchen ceiling from that time I almost cut my finger off while opening a bag of brownie mix with a bread knife (I still have no feeling on the tip of my left index finger). The lawn will be mowed for the first time since we moved in.

All our memories falling away to make room for someone else's. I hope they enjoy this home as much as we have.

We are leaving Hawaii in 20 days. I am probably going to cry

The baby was born on his exact due date, just like his sister. You can read more about the birth here. Yes, his name is King Leonidas. Brian rushed the paperwork out the door before I even had a chance to protest. But I'm calling him Leo.


He is almost 3 weeks now and so perfect. He sleeps all the time, except for a few hours at night when I'm trying to sleep. But if I were smart I'd take advantage of the moments when both he and Bella are napping and get some rest myself. So I am exhausted a lot.

We are leaving Hawaii in 20 days. I am probably going to cry. I have made so many great friends here. Friends that would and have done anything for me and my family. Friends that actually are more like family. Friends that I will miss terribly. But I am so homesick right now that I can't wait to leave.

I need to be home, even if it really isn't home anymore. I need to see my family and reunite with my peeps, and hope nothing has changed even if everything is different.

beauty is in the eye of...

I thought a lot about what this pregnancy would do to my boobs, hoping the sagging wouldn't occur this time. Of course I figured I could just get them redone if it did. And while I'm at it, maybe get the rhinoplasty too. Then I can fix my slightly crooked front tooth.

And in the midst of my thoughts of imperfection, specifically while wondering if there is a way to get my ears to match, I look at Bella. I spend a lot of time just staring at her. Not in a creepy way. More like an artist examining their work. But I never see any flaws. She is my perfect masterpiece.



I think about how someday she might hate her chubby cheeks, or the little cleft in her chin. She might spot a freckle and wish it away. She might think her thighs are too big, or her lips are too thin. And I will tell her how beautiful she is, and she won't believe it (although I pray that she does).

I think about all the times my mom told me I was beautiful. "You're just saying that because you're my mom and you have to." But now I know that she meant it every time. And now I know to just accept it and believe it. Not everything needs to be changed. "You are so beautiful just the way you are."

Baby Blues

I'm in a bit of a funk again, although this time I'm pretty sure I am just homesick and it is not postpartum related. Memories keep popping up so strong that I want to destroy them so I'm no longer mourning for them. I want to rip up every mental picture. Delete every sound bite. Because for some reason I don't know how to celebrate these memories for what they were. I can only grieve because the moments are gone.

And it isn't like they haven't been replaced with even better moments. Bella yelling "mom!" and running to me with outstretched arms, then hugging me so tight I have trouble breathing. But I won't pull away because I love her hugs. "I love hugs too, mom. Mom, I love hugs too." Leo falling asleep on my belly, tiny hiccups startle me every few seconds. He doesn't speak yet, but his eyes tell me so much. And Brian's kisses and I love you's. His excitement over a good zombie movie and our babies.

But I am angry. Mad at myself for never being real. Never being comfortable with who I was. Not being honest with anyone else. Because I could have had it all at that time, and then I would never think back to what could have been. And then maybe I would be perfectly content with now. Maybe friendships would be stronger and there would be more stories to tell.

I've always had trouble living in the moment. I'm always looking too far forward or so far behind. But I can't help but ask myself "am I missing out?" Am I? I never partied. But did I ever want to? Do I want to now? Do I like having an excuse to stay home on a Friday night? Is that why I have buried myself so deep into the family life? What is it that I am always running from or chasing after? Why can't I just appreciate it all for what it is when it is? Am I the only one asking these questions?

Right now what it is is great. Happy little family traveling the world together. Everything I ever wanted and more. It just all came so fast. So yes, I am missing out on something. But it was never something I fit into before, so it shouldn't even matter. Yet somehow it does.

I am so terribly homesick. I miss you all.

The "King" is born

Look, mommy a leeeeeeaf!